Victim Mentality Series 2
SELF PITY IS SPIRTUAL SUICIDE!
To heal from depression you have to develop a different mindset.
This in it’s self is the biggest roadblock to overcoming depression and feelings of worthlessness, primarily because we think the problem is ‘out there’ – out of our control, and nothing to do with us!
Self-pity comes easily to all of us…mainly because it is so seductive!
The problem with being a ‘Victim” is of becoming self-absorbed as you can only see the faults in others.
You are often colorblind to your own faults and except no responsibility towards your own healing or getting better,
PAIN IS INEVITABLE – SUFFERING IS OPTIONAL
About ten years ago I was managing a homeless unit and housing, where adults where the residents were either ex-offenders, had mental health issues, drug users, domestic violence victims etc.,
I noticed very quickly a common thread that ran through just about everyone, (obviously there were exceptions) and that was – they all blamed someone or something for their demise, were always dependent on others to bail them out, took no responsibility for their life, and they were never to blame for anything.
I always found it interesting over hearing the conversations between residents, and how there seemed to be this “one-upmanship” in stating their problems were bigger than the next person.
They related to each through their roles as Victims.
Protecting their right to be depressed is an emotional need.
They saw any further problems in their lives, as confirmation of how awful their lives were, and re-enforced what a tragedy their life was.
It was like a badge of honor they wore. The more perceived problems they had, the more deserving they felt they were of sympathy… and the more helpless and hopeless they became, the more dependant they became.
Courage isn’t about having the strength to go on– it is going on when you don’t have the strength.
There will be those who will be open to the fact that VM is relevant to them, and embrace it as a great possibility, and many who won’t.
Some will exhibit denial, and take great exception to the idea.
But there will be those that find genuine relief and excitement, because you have discovered the power of changing what those hurts and events meant to you in a more enlightened way!
There also will be those not wanting to even see it as a possibility and not willing to accept it having no part in their their depression.
Then there are those who won’t admit to it, due to the fact that unconsciously they are quite happy with this new identity, this role that defines them because:
*It’s their story!
*It all takes too much effort.
*They fear loss of control.
*They are stuck in their childhood; hence have a childlike response to the so-called unfairness of it all.
*Doing something about it means you have to take responsibility for yourself instead of looking for sympathy and empathy and expecting others to sort their life out!
* Then there is the familiar one – “It’s just the way I am!”
GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY!
Unfortunately being homeless and living in a hostel or Supported Housing, is an extreme example of how our lives can spiral out of control when we let being the ‘Victim” take hold.
But you don’t have to be living in such dire circumstances to feel alone.
Living with someone with Victim Mentality
Isolation – It is also a prime example of how you can end up isolating yourself from family and friends. –
Its hard work being around someone that talks so often about themselves, their woes and always finding fault in others.
Relationships – It’s hard work being in a relationship with someone with VM. –
They will constantly be expecting you to ‘prove’ yourself to them. Always putting them first and not allowing you to have a life of your own outside of the relationship.
If they deem you are worthy of a night out with the mates you will then have to make concessions for goodness knows how many months after.
Never having to say sorry – Exactly that – they will never bring themselves to apologize. In fact you might even find unless you apologize every time, the argument is not over.
You are to blame for how they are feeling – If they are unhappy it will be your fault because you are the one in a bad mood? – this is called Projection.
Projection is not excepting your own feelings, or having the ability to do so, and pointing the finger at other who you perceive are to blame.!
i.e. thinking someone at work hates or dislikes you, when it can quite often be your own insecurities or about your own dislike or jealousy of them.
LISTEN – I am not being hard and unsympathetic. I know most people with depression think no one understands…I have had those thoughts many times. It’s because I care because I understand that I want to share what I know works or could work for you, and hopefully ease the journey towards your healing.
I desperately wanted to heal and so I allowed myself to heal, opened myself up to all possibilities, and I so desperately want you to heal, to be open and allow it in all possibilities.
BUT – if you stay within the confines of your present thinking, and your belief that your problems lie with something or someone else outside yourself, then healing will always evade you.
Remember – healing will always be the biggest gift you could ever give yourself
HEALING…. DOESNT MEAN THE DAMAGE NEVER EXISTED…. IT JUST MEANS THAT THE DAMAGE NO LONGER CONTROLS OUR LIVES.
These are some of the tools that helped me in my recovery.
Start from the first one, in this case Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) but also look at the other very effective healing modalities listed.
CLICK ON THE LINKS BELOW:
Emotional Freedom Tapping. (EFT)
Read: Why People Don’t Heal and How They Can! (Amazing Book).