VCTIM MENTALITY Series 1
YOU CAN’T START THE NEXT CHAPTER OF YOUR LIFE IF YOU KEEP RE-READING THE LAST ONE
Let me start by saying that I too fell into the role of a Victim of my own thinking and thoughts, a Victim of thinking if my Mother cannot love me then I must be worthless and unlovable, feelings of not being good enough, that I was in some way ‘bad’ and in generally flawed…….and – it was only happening to me.
So, my experience comes first hand and NOT from something I have read.
It is a phenomenon I know exists and have personal knowledge of.
When you feel you have no one you can trust or to confide in, those thoughts and feelings start to generate an energy of their own leaving you believing even more fervently that it is all very real and true.
Thus begins the start of your self- comforting, and an unhealthy relationship with yourself.
It becomes you against the rest of the world, internalizing all that anger and emotion inwards with feelings of injustice against anyone who you perceive has wronged or upset you, or even anyone who tries to encourage you to think more positively about your life.
QUIT BLAMING OTHERS and LIVING IN THE PAST!
We can all live a life of blame, but it is really hard being around someone who is so negative about everything and worse – doesn’t even realize it.
We can blame our partners for all that is going wrong in our relationship.
Quite often you can find that you are blamed for something that you haven’t even done or had no intention of doing. You will be blamed for how you made that person think or feel. It’s like they need us be the one at blame because that’s the role they have assigned us – and again it negates them from all responsibility.
You blame everyone but yourself for not having a job or money.
The fact that you now and then go out of your way to look for a job.
Maybe you now and then look through the local newspaper to see if there is anything that takes your fancy. Even when there are suitable jobs you decide it doesn’t pay enough, or it’s not near enough to where you live. In fact if you were honest with yourself you either don’t want a job or you are afraid of getting a job. (See Self-Esteem).
Still constantly bringing up anything that happened in the past.
This could be about anything. Something someone said to you, or something that was done to you.
This can be at the route of your unhappiness and your not so good mental health.
It’s learning that what happened in the past was a lesson to how your life is not going to be going forward. The way forward is that when those feelings or emotions come up, don’t fight them, because that doesn’t rid you of them.
What works is you sit with those feelings and emotions and just ‘watch’ them go by, like clouds in the sky. Just ‘watch’ and observe with no judgments. Thoughts come and go all day for all of us, what we are learning is to adopt a very different mind set about your thoughts. See them as just ‘things’ that cannot harm you unless you let them. (Click here for more on Mindfulness)
DON’T FIGHT TO HOLD ON – FIGHT TO LET GO!
I remember the first day working with a woman in her late thirties who I had never met before, and who had only just started working for the company.
She told me within an hour of working with her of how she had been sexually abused when she was a child by a family member.
Now – though I really did feel for her, this was a prime example of someone wanting acknowledgement of being the Victim they saw themselves as.
That disclosure was like saying, I am Susan (or whatever name) the Victim – look how tragic my life has been.
SOME PEOPLE CREATE THEIR OWN STORMS THEN COMPLAIN WHEN IT RAINS!
I remember being at work and due to staff shortages all staff being asked if someone could stay on and work another shift.
Seeing no one coming forward and everyone making their excuses, I found myself volunteering to work.
Later, I remember having a conversation with myself about how I didn’t really want to work extra hours, and felt I had to volunteer as no one else was going to, and why was it always me ending up working extra hours and why was no one else seeming to not do their share of extra hours?
Get the picture? I am sure many of you have been there?
Again, such ‘hard work’ using all of that toxic energy spent on internalizing every so-called negative event that has, might or might not happen to me.
You spend so much time enforcing the perceived wrongs that have been done to you, being negative seems the ‘normal’ way to be and function.
LETS OPEN YOUR MIND AND LET IT GROW!
Depression can be a different experience for everyone, but there are definitely some similarities that are common to most people who are depressed.
I am sharing with you my experience, my experience of having depression for over 50 years, what I discovered about my depression and what finally helped me move towards healing.
In those 50 years of living with depression I now know those facets of myself that were primarily to blame.
Discovering and accepting them was a massive turning point for me.
LIFE BEGINS AT THE END OF YOUR OWN COMFORT ZONE
Once I discovered that depression was the cause of my unhappiness and physical issues in my late 40’s I then decided to read every book I could get my hands on and to learn to try to understand why I was suffering from depression, how did it happen and what I could do to heal.
One of the first amazing books I read was, “Why People Don’t Heal & How They Can” by Caroline Myss.
Caroline talks about how people become what they think they are “Victims’.
It becomes their identity and they live it every day like a badge of honor!
They define themselves by their negative experiences, and healing can be quite fearful for some people, as they don’t know who they think they are meant to be.
But for some, they think they have moved on from their trauma, when in actual fact unconsciously taking pride in their role of victim, and are almost afraid of healing because, for then that would mean a loss of identity and their story.
Don’t ever discount yourself as not being a Victim and thinking it is not you. In fact I suggest for now that you take the stance that everyone could be relevant to you.
If you don’t understand why you are depressed or know you are depressed and not knowing where to start, you really don’t have anything to loose and to being open to any and all possibilities – so start here.
Discounting or being resistant to any or all of the possibilities, you do to your detriment.
WINNERS LEARN FROM THE PAST AND ENJOY LIVING IN THE PRESENT!
In digging deep, having an open mind I have been completely amazed, surprised and excited to discover how my thinking pattern and reasoning have been at the route of a large part of my depression.
You have to remember that with depression you are looking through the world with a distorted glasses compared to other people.
So make it here – the start of the journey you have been putting off for so long.
So if your are one of those people Caroline Myss refers to in her book…….”Why People Don’t Heal And How They Can.”
Start with her book and then try CBT. Cognitive Behavior Therapy.
They both will help you enormously.
CBT gets you to start taking note of your thoughts going about your every day life and instead of making instinctive decisions, that you learn to make much more rational logical decisions, (given that we are more prone to being irrational and illogical.)
Stay patient and trust your journey!
IMPORTANT: When I write about the Victim Mentality (VM) it most definitely is not about proportioning blame to anything or to anyone.
But to move forward you are going to find there are some uncomfortable issues you have to address.
Become strong and honest with yourself; be open to learning a new way of being. Be responsible for your own happiness.