Every Set Back is a Setup for a Comeback!
One morning about two years ago, I woke up with the worse panic attack I have ever had. Gripped by fear, anxiety and terrible depression I ended up at an A & E department of my local hospital. Let me tell you something about my depression.
I have always known that any healing was going to be down to me, so as bad as that day was, it became a defining moment for me – From that moment on, I knew old ways wouldn’t open new doors, and once and for all that it was time to do whatever it took to heal myself of depression and anxiety.
I have suffered from depression nearly all my adult life (over 50 years) but this episode was a double whammy for me as the realization dawned on me that at 66 years old I was getting old and all that might imply, and I was moving into old age with long term depression!
It was a massive ‘wake up call’!
I WAS SO BLOODY FRIGHTENED!!
Life does not get better by chance, life gets better by change!!
Throughout my life my depression has clouded my judgments, the decisions I have made, the paths I have taken. It’s given me distorted views on life, my creative thinking stifled, my sense of reasoning impaired. Depression has impacted my education and career and my relationships.
I often felt my life was a ‘half’ life’, unfulfilled and just surviving.
Who or what could I be without depression? What could I accomplish without depression?
If not for depression I knew I could improve my life to the point where I could/should have been if I hadn’t suffered from depression – with my own home, financially secure, a happy healthy relationship, happier, new interests and activities – even a new career or interest!
I have this real belief and knowing that as my depression lessens it’s grip on me, and the mist and fog clears that the opportunities are endless for me, that being 66 years old is not the end but the beginning.
We are in a new era where not just companies and bosses, but also communities are now realizing the potential of the older generation, the wisdom, experience, and skills behind them, therefore the contribution they still have to give to society!
You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old!
A Life Less Ordinary!
At the root of my struggle!
I look back on my life and know with great certainty that all the decisions I made in life (mostly bad it seems, but definitely some good) where colored through the lens of my deep depression.
Over many years I have tried to buy myself happiness – holidays I couldn’t afford, beauty treatments I couldn’t afford, clothes and shoes, helping out family and friends, new kitchen, new bathroom, weekends away etc.
Did it make me happy – perhaps for a moment, half to a whole day if I was lucky – but in all honesty – NO!
The feelings of not being good enough, the everyday struggles were all still there.
As result of my distorted thinking I got into debt, which sadly finally led to me having to sell my home and at a greatly reduced price. I had worked so hard to buy my own house, working full time, single, and with two daughters.
Selling my house enabled me to pay off my debts, but it’s only now that I look back at that moment with such great regret, and just wish I had fought for my house so much harder.
But unfortunately, one thing debt causes is great stress and fear – and all you ever want is for it to go away.
The last five years in my life have been challenging to say the least, with deaths, debt, relationship breakups, illness, redundancy, homelessness.
In the last two years, I found myself without a home, very little money, my depression was at it’s worse, and almost completely immobilizing myself in fear and loneliness.
I AM NOT GETTING OLD – I AM GETTING BETTER!!!
Twenty years ago when I was in my Forties I never envisaged how I would feel about retiring, about old age, along with the big problem of suffering from long term depression, a small pension to survive on and all as a single woman living on her own.
When I reached retirement age I had pictured myself in the position of not having to worry about money, loneliness and still suffering from depression.
As it happens all those problems existed for me, plus the fear all those issues bring.
FALL IN LOVE WITH TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF!
My depression has been with me for most of my adult life – NEARLY 50 Years!
The statistics are high, in that one out of four people will suffer from depression in their life.
Retirement itself and life style changes can often bring about depression.
I don’t feel 66 years old ( however a 66-year old is supposed to feel?) but what I do feel is that by getting hold of this depression, why can’t I still live a productive life and maybe even a new career, hobby, interest?
The last two year I have made it my mission to overcome this depression. I had good and bad days and weeks, but progress was made.
As I slowly come out of this prison called depression I feel I have a whole lifetime to make up for.
It’s time to make the rest of your life the best of your life!
I work at the moment! I am working at what I know and I have always done previously, but I like to think I can have other aspirations that might be open to me regardless of age, and mainly because of the years I feel I lost with depression.
I want to embrace my life and any and all opportunities that are still out there for a 66-year old woman.
It is Never To Late To Be Who You Want To Be!
I asked myself this question – How old would I be if I didn’t know? My answer was 45 years old! – What would your answer be?
This site is about depression, but it’s also about helping and healing yourself regardless of your age and gender!
It’s about the pursuit of happiness and never putting an age limit on your dreams!
To Quote: Set goals stay quiet about them, smash the shit out of them, clap for your dam self – REPEAT!.